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04/04/2006: "and tell me what I look like when I stumble"

last night i put on a clinic; sorry that most of you missed. you can hit my previous post to see my WSOP wanna-be skills (sans Oakley sunglasses, backward Bellagio baseball hat, iPod with Bose headphones, Tommy Bahama shirt, cigar, etc ad nauseam, ad infinitum) repleat with my patented All-in, Consequences & Thought Be All Damned (ACTBAD)© move. i felt like Hellmuth on High Stakes Poker, with Gracie as Greenstein. ugh.

to make matters worse, i then went and played in Full Tilt's $17K Guarantee. with an ACTBAD© move out of my system, i settled in for a long tourney, since 950 signed up (i would imagine a result of the perfect TV storm of the final in the NCAA tourney coupled with MLB's opening games.) like Richard Pryor says, "and deep too." right before the break, already into the antes, i am sitting with an M of about 18. a bigger stack had just moved to our table and in his first played hand he came for a raise and then laid down to another big stack's re-raise (a player with whom i had been battling with for an hour or so.) so when i get AQs in MP i pop it up roughly 4xBB, plus or minus some ante change. the new big stack reraises and what do i do? ACTBAD©. hello wired kings, goodbye tournament! 141st (top 15%, whoop-de-fucking-do.)

point?

jump for it....

~~~~

i don't think i have posted this yet, but i have hinted at it. i have tried to stay away from it b/c i didn't want to sound "cocky." what's cocky about it? that i have figured out poker. i have plateaued and i can play at bigger limits for bigger amounts and have no issues with the competition. so why am i not in Vegas, rolling in a new CLS500 and pimpin' VVS on my fingers? b/c of me. i am the problem. i am the solution, too. poker? the math, the scenarios, the plays, the moves, the psychology - it's all good. me? i am Hellmuth, Jr. i have ego problems. i have anger issues. i tilt easy. i play mad, i play meek, i play stupid. "We have met the enemy and he is us." thanks Walt Kelly, but it is really me.

one of the reason's i think Barry Greenstein wrote his book Ace on the River, and why it is so different from the poker standards and not readily useful to "new" players, is b/c Barry was writing about the issues player's will encounter once they mature. first, you gotta understand the game, learn the nuances and then, and only then, will you be ready to fix the other issues, which many times are personality driven. at least that is what his book said to me and that is where i am now. sure, i take bad beats, sure i get cold decked, sure i play for hours with mediocre holdings. we all do. unfortunately, i often make mistakes not b/c of lacking poker knowledge or bad reads but b/c i still haven't matured in myself. i am rash, lazy, thoughtless. when you hear the saw, "poker is about people not cards" this is what they are talking about. i've been aware of this side of myself for several months...and i am tired of seeing it.

this goes beyond poker. i am not just about how i make decisions at the table - i am talking about how i live my life, how i make decisions. it is unfortunate, but at 36, i have a lot of room for personal growth and improvement. and here is either the sad or greater truth: poker can help me with that. it is certainly cheaper than attorney fees and the associated DWIs, divorces, fights, lawsuits, drugs, hospital bills, jail time....i have been pretty "lucky" to avoid a lot of that, especially in seeing how rash i am.

anyway, i am not crying in this thread. it's just a glimpse into what has been rolling 'round in my head for some time. i just needed to get this out, so when i go back a month from now, hopefully i can see that i have made some progress. hope it makes sense.

(and yeah, i know, in regards to the above thoughts, i am about as original as Jayson Blair. i am the 1,376,980th poker player to nail this point. i am right on schedule.)


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