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10/23/2007: the only way to fix it is to flush it all away

awful lot of bitching and moaning in this world. sadly, i am probably in the top ten of the Bitcher & Moaners Club. while i recognize my problem, it is not an easy thing to fix. constant vigilance is necessary. but i am trying. for instance, when playing in tourneys, esp blogger tourneys, i try to take it all in stride, temper my comments, and hold my tongue. and of course when i do, i am rewarded by being called a "moron", or witnessing others fling about epithets such as "donkey" or "luckbox".

see, poker is tough; playing online tougher. online play unleashes the "armchair genius" or "keyboard toughguy" mentality. you will see players type things that they would not say in a live game. why? b/c in a live game, you'll get called on the carpet when you let your fatass tongue loose and say something stupid like, "just another suited donkey." most people shy away from conflict when it is present in their lives. but online, these people become veritable Oprahs and Dr. Phils! to validate themselves, you will often hear, "i have won $xxx, so my smarmy comments are valid" as an excuse. sorry - in reality, while you may have won some money, your comments still belong locked in your head where all the other stupid, wanna-be police officer bullshit resides. but, you do have a chance at relevance! tell you what, if you think you are so smart, why don't you go ahead and become one of the top players, write yourself a book and change the game; go ahead, set poker on it's ear! maybe create the C-Ratio or something. heck, you might already be the next Dan Harrington! then, and only then, will your opinion have more worth than say, the homeless guy at my local Stop-N-Rob.[1]

so anyway, i am a moron. ;-)

today in the bookstore i see some new release on how to fix complaining; i am loathe to read self-help books. as a matter of fact, i find most of them absurd and often written to make a fast buck. this new book, A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted is of that ilk. here is why i can't see reading this.

i earnestly picked it up, thinking maybe i should buy it and give it a read. re: most twelve-step programs, i know i have a complaining problem, so i am past step one. i flipped the book open and read a sentence where the author is telling someone to put up their hands and defend themselves b/c he is going to kill them. hey now, something i can relate to! so i backtrack a few paragraphs to get the whole story: seems that the object of his anger had just hit his dog and driven away. the author chased him down and confronted the guy in his driveway, where Mr. Hit-And-Run told him that he did in fact hit his dog and asked him what he was going to do about it. enraged, the author was going to pummel him, but Mr. Hit-And-Run refused to fight and sauntered into his house, leaving the author standing there angry and unfulfilled.

wow - what an awful story. owning seven dogs (and a dog business) myself, i can totally relate to this. i too would chase this piece-of-shit down and ask for satisfaction. but, unlike the author, i could not practice what he does in the book. unfulfilled and upset, he returns home, where he takes the dog to the vet (she is put down), and then suffers for several more nights over the whole episode. in an outpouring of grief in his journal he makes headway, realizing that not only is he suffering, but Mr. Hit-And-Run is suffering too - daily. it is this suffering that makes Mr. Hit-And-Run who he is and act the way he did. and to satisfy a bullet point in his self-help book, the author forgives Mr. Hit-And-Run.

O.K. - let's be straight here: i consider myself a pretty dark guy (i like to say realist.) i think humans are the worst species on the planet and i often find our behavior reprehensible, vulgar, and ugly. i vacillate, but often swing towards being an ardent supporter of the death penalty (although lately, with caveats) and i will go as far as to say that many people on this planet are a drag on society and SHOULD be executed for the common good. cull the herd, i say. so when confronted with the story in this book, my only response is, i would have killed the guy. hey, i am being honest. and i don't mean this in the way people say "literally" when they actually mean something entirely different, a la "literally shitting one's pants." no, i mean i would either have done it bare-handed or gone home and armed myself, but Mr. Hit-And-Run was leaving this earthly plane and i would be the one to shuffle off his mortal coil.

see, people like Mr. Hit-And-Run, they have no use on this planet. i could care less if they have a family, or go to church, or actively serve in the military, etc. if your response to this situation is "what are you going to do about it," my response is that you are not worthy of this life. end of story. furthermore, by letting a waste-of-space like this live, you are allowing this person the opportunity to hurt others. you are harming society by letting people like this off. i say kill them now; make our lives better!

so i put the book down. no chance i am going to fix my attitude. while i can try and curb it, if fixing my attitude requires me to forgive people in situations like this, then i will stay broken. this also goes a long way to showing why becoming a practicing Buddhist is not working out for me. sounds good in theory, but i am weak in the application area.

i guess this sums it up: There's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee." I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See, now I'm thinkin', maybe it means you're the evil man, and I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or, it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be the shepherd.

wonder if i have called in my Paxil refill....


[1]: really this is based on the sound poker theory that one should not confuse results with correct decisions. thus, while you may have earned some coin, the results do not prove anything in and of themselves. heck, the math of it might say that playing 130+ tourneys/month for 6 months - well, even a monkey would cash just as often. but i am not into the math that much....

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